Stung by harsh and abusive language by his critics despite his effort to be the kindly Caspar Milquetoast on the Trump Stump, The Donald last night revealed his dirty little secret at a rally. He will no longer be “Mr. Nice Guy,” he declared with evidence of flaming saliva emerging from his bottom teeth. Enough is enough from the wicked witch of the Senate! And , folks,you can take that to his casino.
As reporters scurried to learn the extent of his quick-change artistry to a new role as the angriest of old white guys,Trump led his ecstatic crowd to fail-safe intersections in his campaign:
No more attacks on women that are limited to discreet bloody orifices. From now on he will expose failed breast implants in octogenarians and fake fingernails.
No more attacks on Mexican judges. From now on he will condemn their licentious wives, drug-sniffing kids and woozy dogs with names like Taco Bell. .
No more weak assaults on “failed” four-star Marine general John Allen who couldn’t defeat ISIS. He will insist that he knows more about ISIS than all of the generals, having spent more uninterrupted learning time in college with four draft deferments. From now on, he will expose Allen as the grandson of a lost Latino tribe in a South American rain forest, a place he heard about in geography class..
No more silence on Barack Obama’s birthplace. Instead, he promises to release irrefutable evidence that the president was born in a dormant volcano crater from the eruption of Krakatoa.
No more ignoring Hillary’s theft of Mark Antony’s oration to “bury Caesar, not to praise him” in her reterence to her Retrumpican rival. From now on he will excise the burying part and wildly praise himself.
Finally, no more promises to build a wall on the Mexican border. Instead he will create the American version of the World War II French Maginot line against the Germans, which he vaguely remembered from an old TV movie. (Since he doesn’t read he doesn’t know that it failed miserably).
The Trump campaign has now moved from third to the fourth inning! Good grief.
In fairness, I can tell you that Trump did humbly admit that he wasn’t perfect. When a reporter asked him about Mike Pence, he replied,”Who?”