(Third in a series of inside reports from the Trump National Convention program committee in Cleveland)

In a  spectacular photo-op scorning pollution regulations, the Republican nominee, acting as Don the Baptist, will personally baptize thousands of angry old white guys in Lake Erie to prepare them for post-convention service to make America great again.  Dozens  will drown, but Trump  will shrug off the fatalities as the effectiveness of water boarding by a dunking machine. (For readers under the age of 100, I should explain that Will Rogers once quipped that  evangelist Aimee Semple McPherson, founder of the Foursquare Church,   used  a dunking machine back in the 1920s-30s to baptize great masses  of the unwashed. It was never  proved, but could have been true.)
Planners will set aside as many hours as needed for  Trump to sign his new book:  “Fight fire with fire:   Why carpet  bombing the entire Middle
East” will work to end terrorism forever.
Gov. Kasich will be barred from attending the convention because as Trump explained, “there is nothing to be learned from a loser whose father was a mere (sic) milkman.”