I’m heartily enjoying the emerging argument that now that the United States has equal marriage rights, gub’ment should “get out of marriage altogether.”

It puts me in mind of a child who doesn’t want a favorite toy any more because his sibling got the same one.

“Oh great, now The Gays can get married. Fine, we did’t even want marriage any more anyway.”

They’d rather take their ball and go home.

Lawmakers in Mississippi, Alabama and Oklahoma have now all played variations on this tune.

Republican Presidential Candidate Rand Paul put out this argument on Sunday, in what is either the stupidest or most disingenuous political statement I’ve seen since, well, the last time I read a position from a GOP Presidential contender.

I take it he’s suddenly cool with raising taxes because that’s what “getting government out of the marriage business altogether” would do, along with a lot of other stuff married people might not like too much.

Paul doesn’t even get out of the first sentence without a massive contradiction.

While I disagree with Supreme Court’s redefinition of marriage, I believe that all Americans have the right to contract.

If it were true that you believe Americans have equal rights to the same contracts, you wouldn’t disagree with the Supreme Court’s decision there Randy. So I guess we’ll have to presume you mean you believe all Americans have the right to some contracts, but maybe not other. Anyway, do go on.

The Constitution is silent on the question of marriage because marriage has always been a local issue. Our founding fathers went to the local courthouse to be married, not to Washington, D.C.

Where is it that you think marriage licenses are issued, Rand, D.C.? You might be disappointed to find out it’s the local courthouse.

And the founding fathers line is a bit baffling. Thomas Jefferson got married at his father-in-law’s house, as did John Adams. George Washington married his widow bride Martha at her home. What in pluperfect hell are you talking about?

I’ve often said I don’t want my guns or my marriage registered in Washington.

It would be an odd place for you to try to do so, Rand, because you should be registering your guns with your local sheriff and your marriage with the local clerk of courts.

Those who disagree with the recent Supreme Court ruling argue that the court should not overturn the will of legislative majorities. Those who favor the Supreme Court ruling argue that the 14th Amendment protects rights from legislative majorities.

A bit simplistic, but hey, congrats, the first full two sentences with no egregious errors!

Do consenting adults have a right to contract with other consenting adults? Supporters of the Supreme Court’s decision argue yes but they argue no when it comes to economic liberties, like contracts regarding wages.

It seems some rights are more equal than others.

I’m sorry, Rand, that we all don’t share your nostalgia for the Lochner Era, and most of us generally think that child labor laws were, y’know, kind of a good thing.

Some have argued that the Supreme Court’s ruling will now involve the police power of the state in churches, church schools, church hospitals.

“Some” meaning the fear mongers of the right-wing.

Perhaps the time has come to examine whether or not governmental recognition of marriage is a good idea, for either party.

So here’s the rub, Randal. Those pesky marriage contracts you want gub’ment to get the hell out of, they confer over 1,100 benefits, rights, and privileges at the federal level alone, and hundreds more at the state level, including many tax relief, hospitalization, and end-of-life provisions.

Are you ready to argue that all American married couples should lose all of these benefits, rights, and privileges?

Are you ready to try to convince the American people that their taxes should go up because you don’t think gub’ment should be involved in marriage?

By all means, please do. Good luck. I’m gonna go grab some popcorn.

David DeWitt is a writer and man of sport and leisure based out of Athens, Ohio. He has also written for Government Executive online, the National Journal’s Hotline, and The New York Observer’s Politicker.com. He can be found on Twitter @TheRevDeWitt.