My unimpeachable Republican underground source at the next table at Wendy’s discreetly told me of a new GOP scheme to shatter President Obama’s “royalty” before millions of American TV viewers. “They’re calling it the gold standard of character destruction,” he said as he washed down a cheekful of cheeseburger as well as every other syllable.

It would happen at Obama’s State of the Union Address in January. Here is the plan:

Seated behind him with tall pointed hats, Mitch McConnell and John Boehner, both stone faced, will link their cones with a wire that suspends the U.S. Constitution.

All of the other Republicans in the magisterial chamber will arrive student-style in fixed pace to Pomp and Circumstance, each crowned with a mortarboard clearly inscribed with words trashing the president. Some random examples my friend mentioned to me follow:

Sen. Lindsey Graham’s will be “Garbage” which is how he described the Republican House Committee report that cleared the Obama Administration of wrongdoing in the Benghazi attack.

Rep. Louie Gohmert, often blankly nodding to the gallery, settled on “Impriesh” (He didn’t know how to spell impeach.)

On Rep. Mo Brooks’ board: “FELON” to support his call for Obama to be jailed for five years.

You’ll identify Sen. Ted Cruz easily with his satanic smile and “Varmint” on his board.

Rep Steve King will feature a cantaloupe with the words “Illegal alien.”

Taking a cue from Gov. Kasich’s quaint reference to Obamacare, Rep. Jim Renacci will show “Hillarycare” upside down on his board.

Scattered among the proud innovators in the chamber will be boards that read “Kenya,” “socialist”, “traitor”, “monarch,” “dog-eared,” “Watermelon,” and “Uppity” with a rapt gallery and TV audience looking on.

Oh, not to be disrespectful to the King of Ohio (after LeBron), the GOP caucus will tap Kasich, a self-described evangelical Christian, as chaplain pro tem to give the invocation as well as the benediction.

After some agitated discussion, a congressman from Mississippi will be denied a place in the somber procession after showing up with his board containing the N-word.

So mark your calendar: These marvels want you to have a cameo classroom view of the White House occupant, complete with the words that point to all of the country’s ills in an hour or so. Better than a month at Harvard, you might agree!

Almost forgot to mention: The R’s will be pretending to twitter and remain silent when Obama arrives. It will be a further contribution to their inglorious history.