In an 11th hour move to seal his hold on Kentucky celibates, a beleaguered Sen.  Mitch McConnell reportedly will announce on Monday that his first step if he is re-elected will be to declare a one-year moratorium on sexual intercourse in his state, except for horses and cows.

“I’m not a gynecologist,” McConnell says, “but there is no better way to reduce the scandalous number of abortions than to attack the problem at its source by eliminating sex altogether for at least a trial period.”

 

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