As Ohio Gov. John Kasich ignores the re-election bid in front of him, condescending to all Ohioans that he’s simply entitled to another term in office with no debate and no substantive discussion of his record, Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine is smelling opportunity.

This is because Kasich is openly bucking for a position on the 2016 GOP Presidential ticket by peddling the worst idea in American politics—a balanced budget amendment. He is making appearances with national Republican personalities, and winking at profiles speculating on the stress grade of his presidential timber (never mind the termites). And now DeWine figures he can float his own designs on the governor’s office.

“After this election, certainly I will be looking at other possibilities, making that decision whether I run for governor or not,” DeWine told the Northeast Ohio Media Group’s Henry J. Gomez.

Nurse, get me 50 cc’s of Ketamine, stat, and something for the patient!

Sweet unholy depths of despair, Batman. This little gem comes at the tail-end of a community softball league interview in which DeWine is lobbed questions on controversial issues for him to dodge, duck, dive, dip and dodge.

What of that pesky little matter where Mike DeWine’s office awarded hundreds of millions of dollars in government contracts to campaign donors? What policies would he favor, Gomez inquires, “to remove potential or perceived conflicts of interest?” (Because, y’know, the basic, glaring fact of conflict of interest must be spread like cream cheese and served on a doughy roll of perception, apparently)

A form must now be filled out, per office requirements, DeWine responds. Goody gumdrops, a form. We can all rest easy.

Dodge, Mike, duck.

And how about that Hobby Lobby Horse Mike DeWine likes to ride, prioritizing the “religious rights” of a business over the healthcare rights of women? “Obamacare!” DeWine screams.

“People were given fair warning about that. Hobby Lobby is a related case. It had to do with the Affordable Care Act. I have been consistent with what I said I was going to do. To me, the case was a freedom of religion issue.”

Freedom of religion, Mike, very good. Now how’s about freedom from religion? Or the basic right to privacy and the priority of a medical patient’s personal healthcare rights over her bosses’ religio-sexual dogma?

Dive, Mike, dip and dodge.

And equal marriage rights? Mike DeWine does not have the “luxury” of having a spine and standing up for equal protection under the law.

“I do that irrespective of my opinion,” he said of his appeal of a court decision recognizing same-sex marriage rights.

But what is his opinion? Do romantic couples with the same private parts deserve equal protection under the law? Or does Mike DeWine endorse genital discrimination for the purposes of legal marriage contracts?

“Yeah, but that’s nothing new.”

Nothing new indeed, Mike, and neither are you, and neither are your ideas. Stale, backward-looking and reductive are the adjectives that come to mind, certainly not “new.”

David DeWitt is a journalist and universal minister based out of Athens, Ohio. He can be found on Twitter @TheRevDeWitt.