Ohio Gov. John Kasich is a very busy man these days. He is currently running for re-election as the Governor of Ohio as he, though he denies it, secretly plans to run for President in 2016. Kasich was asked by Ed FitzGerald (D), his rival for the Governor’s seat, to promise Ohioans that Kasich wouldn’t bail on the state in 2015 and 2016 to run for President. Kasich shouted, as only Kasich can, “This guy standing right here in my shoes will not be running for President! “ And for once, we believed him. This made us uneasy and suspicious.
Our crack team of reporters went to check things out at Gov. Kasich’s Westerville Secret Hideout and may or may not have cut through several electric fences, crossed mine fields, past his kids’ private charter school, through several machine gun nests and to a warehouse with the words, “NOTHING ILLEGAL GOING ON IN HERE” stenciled on all four sides.
Upon peeking through the windows, the reporters discovered several high-tech machines from Koch Brothers’ subsidiary companies including Clones-R-Us and The Making A New You. We could only assume that John Kasich was planning on cloning himself so that he could remain Governor of Ohio and run for President in 2016 at the same time. Our reporters witnessed John Kasich step into a clear acrylic booth. Technicians pressed several buttons and wrote things down on clipboards. After a few minutes, Kasich emerged from the booth and immediately afterwards, another John Kasich stepped out of an adjoining booth and they awkwardly high-fived. This was the perfect plan! Kasich could be both Governor and run for President at the same time!
With a pop and a puff of smoke, the technicians began to scurry about. Suddenly, another John Kasich appeared out of the booth! The confusion increased as the three Kasichs began to yell at each other as to which one was going to get to run for President. With another belch of smoke, a steady stream of Kasichs began to emerge from the machine. After the 100th clone emerged, our reporters ran off in fear of what might happen to their reproductive and/or voting rights if they stayed any longer.
Current calculations are that there are now probably upwards of 150,000 Kasichs in the northwest Columbus area. Reports are coming in from all over central Ohio of overly aggressive hand shaking, men handing out Jobs Ohio pamphlets and people being accosted in the street by Kasichs giving two hour long speeches. It also seems that the voting boards are being overrun with Kasichs standing in line to register to vote.
Kasich officials are currently denying these report and they say that Kasich himself will be appearing on Al Jazeera America, ABC, CNN, Fox News Channel, HLN, MSNBC, CSPAN, NPR and The Blaze simultaneously at 8:00am next Sunday.
The Fake Dispatch a is humorist, sardonic political observer and creator of the satirical Twitter account @Fake_Dispatch