Ohio 3rd Graders are preparing to take the 3rd Grade Reading Assessment. Because Ohio’s Third Grade Guarantee law, if any of them do not score “proficient” on the test, they will be held back. Current projections suggest that over 19,000 3rd graders could be held back. Even if you failed your 4th Grade math proficiency test, you can see that the classroom size doesn’t add up. 2nd graders advancing into the 3rd grade will have to squeeze into the class room with those left behind 3rd graders.

That is until now.

John Kasich has announced a plan to create private, 3 ½ Grade Level Schools.  These schools will be separate from the public schools and give these obvious miscreants a chance to get the attention they deserve. Schools will be funded by removing tax dollars from public schools and letting those dollars become vouchers that will follow the failed 3rd graders to these private 3 ½ Grade Schools.  The nine month program with teach the 3rd Grade Reading Assessment throughout the school year until the children pass.  Children that do not pass will be held back, which will necessitate building more 3 ½ Grade schools for the next batch of kids from the public schools that fail the 3rd Grade assessment test the next year.

Many have asked, because of the focused attention on the 3rd Grade Reading Assessment test at these schools, won’t the children miss out on other subjects and be behind when they try to start the 4th grade? They answer to that is yes and the solution is to create private 3 ¾ Grade Level Schools. The 3 ¾ Grade Level Schools will free up space in the 3 ½ Grade Level Schools and provide a nurturing environment for kids to pick up the education they missed out on while all their attention was focused on passing the reading assessment. Because this will require more money to be pulled out of public schools, the assumption is that more children will fail the 3rd Grade Reading Assessment test and more private 3 ½ and 3 ¾ Grade Level Schools will need to be built.

There is also the option to spend $500 on a “One Day Trip to a Private School to Take The 3rd Grade Assessment Test Voucher.” With this plan, students would enroll at a private school for one day only to take the assessment test. Because Ohio private schools are exempt from Ohio’s Third Grade Guarantee law, the students’ score would not matter, just like all the other students at private schools taking the 3rd grade reading assessment.


The Fake Dispatch a is humorist, sardonic political observer and creator of the satirical Twitter account @Fake_Dispatch