I am sick and tired of all of the attention being given to women and their reproductive organs.  It’s complete bullshit.  At every turn here in Ohio there is new legislation focusing on a woman’s uterus, ovaries, or eggs and what she can or cannot do with these reproductive components of her body.  And those personhood amendments that solely target a woman’s body make me sick.  As if that’s something she should get sole credit for.

Um, excuse me?  Aren’t they forgetting something?

Hi, I’m a man.  Usually known as the other half of reproduction.  I’m the one with the sperm.  And I’m speaking on behalf of men everywhere when I say that I want male reproductive organs legislated on an equal plane with a woman’s.  Think that egg is a potential life?  Then so are my sperm!

Look, nothing against the women who are getting all this attention, but let’s be real.  A typical woman produces fewer than 500 ova in her lifetime. Passively, I might add – out of her control in the natural world.   One per month.  All this attention for something she has absolutely no control over?

Puh-lease.  That’s nothing.

Any guy can can top that count by sneezing.  In fact, with a quick flick of the wrist, an average man can produce 280 MILLION sperm in one shot.  Most married men can produce that amount once a week, but younger men have been know to produce billions of sperm in a single day.

Now, THAT is something worth legislating.  A woman allegedly terminates 500 lives in her entire life, while a man has the power to terminate 500 million lives in a ten minute span.  Egregious.  Unfair.  My boys deserve equal protection under the law.

And the men of Ohio intervene and take back the attention from the women in the state, trillions and trillions of boys will be lost daily.

Vasectomies would obviously be too intrusive, so I am now calling on Representative Lynn Wachtmann, self-appointed spokesperson for responsible reproduction in Ohio, to step it up and follow the lead of Oklahoma State Senator Constance Johnson who introduced an amendment to that state’s personhood bill that read:

However, any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman’s vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child.

You see, friends, sperm are people too.  And this amendment helps to clarify that by its common name, the “Every Sperm is Sacred” amendment.