With Easter quickly approaching, I was really starting to expect some ‘War on Easter’ articles and posts from the bible-thumping right. It’s pretty pretty quiet though. Until today.

That’s when I came across this article in the Christian-themed Citizen USA newspaper about that dangerous false prophet: The Easter Bunny.

In it the author warns us to keep ‘fanciful characters’ like the Easter Bunny far away from our children because such characters ‘threaten their faith in the true and living God.’

The problem is: kids, like all people, want to believe in stuff. And it’s dangerous to let them believe in imaginary stuff like a big rabbit that brings gifts because then they might not want to believe in stuff like an all-powerful, omniscient, yet invisible God who listens to the prayers of every single person on Earth.

According to the author:

Man has always had a desire to worship because God has made evidence of Himself apparent to all. However, man has also always had the temptation to make God into an image that was comfortable to him.

In this case- I guess ‘man’ is more comfortable taking his children to the mall to be photographed with a big, fuzzy bunny instead of, say, a guy dressed as the rotting corpse of Jesus just risen from the grave.

Unfortunately, I don’t think she really makes a convincing argument or offers us any alternatives.

Might I suggest fear? It’s worked for the Catholic church for years.

For example, casting the fuzzy little hare as a a demonic beast- as the antichrist who is here to win over Jesus’ followers and destroy the world. Now THAT’S pretty scary! (you could also make him gay, if that helps)

I’m sure there are plenty of passages in the Bible you could use, but I always prefer the good old guilt-through-anagram method.

It’s easy for Santa because the obvious anagram for his name is Satan.

Anagrams for ‘the Easter Bunny’ are a little less obvious- but just as scary and evil…

Betray Thee Nuns – a message to kids to ignore the teachings of religious leaders.
Stab The Eery Nun – the beast wants kids to stab Nuns! Especially the old, scary ones.
Turbans Teeny He – a reference to the islamic nature of this false rodent profit.

And for ‘Peter Cottontail’…

Recant Polite Tot – a call to children to disavow their belief in Jesus.
Latte Protection – the evil rabbit promises protection for latte-drinking liberals.
Rectal Inept Toot – not sure exactly, but obviously something gay and immoral.
Taco Entitle Port – the furry beast urges amnesty for illegal immigrants.

In short, if you want your small children to learn to worship your god- then you need to either hide everything from them (homeschooling anyone?) or make them fear everything else!

Pick your poison, people.

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  • Forgot to mention: thanks to Bill Sloat for the link!

  • Betray Thee Nun
    Taco Entitle Port

    ROFL!

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