Plunderbund would like to congratulate Matt Naugle, Ken Blackwell’s official 2006 campaign blogger, for winning the Cleveland Plain Dealer’s “Terrell Owens Good Sportmanship Award”? for his bobble-head video.?
Great job, Matt!? Keep up the good work.?OPEN’s Political WMD Awards
With the 2006 election in the rear-view mirror and steaming corpses littering the landscape, we hand out this year’s OPEN Awards in recognition of memorable contributions to the annals of political discourse in Ohio: With the 2006 election in the rear-view mirror and steaming corpses littering the landscape, we hand out this year’s OPEN Awards in recognition of memorable contributions to the annals of political discourse in Ohio:The Clarence Thomas Potty Mouth Award — To Secretary of State Ken Blackwell, who, during his final televised debate against Gov.-elect Ted Strickland, accused Strickland of supporting the plank of the North American Man/Boy Love Association. Actually, Blackwell referred to the group as the ?Male/Boy? Love Association, a butchering of a perverse accusation perhaps second only to Thomas? memorable, ?Who has pubic hair on my Coke??
The Jimi Hendrix Are You Experienced? Award — To Sen. Mike DeWine, for the unforgettable charge he levied against Sen.-elect Sherrod Brown during an October debate at the City Club of Cleveland. In high dudgeon, DeWine accused Brown of running such a loosey-goosey operation when he was secretary of state that employees were able to use drugs right under Brown’s nose, including one who ?ate a banana laced with marijuana.? Because no one in recorded history had ever attempted such novel experimentation with drugs and bananas, DeWine?s comment inspired drug-users all over America to begin lacing their bananas with marijuana.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Mine?s Bigger Than Yours Award — To James Brodbelt Harris, the Zanesville financial analyst who ran against Rep. Bob Ney, now a federal convict, in the 18th Ohio Congressional district Republican primary. Incensed that Ney continually referred to him as a carpetbagger because Harris had lived in New York City for 10 years before moving to Ohio, Harris commended New York as ?a great American city? and warned: ?I shall never allow any politician to get away with questioning my enormous Ohio roots.?
The Was That The Loch Ness Monster I Just Saw? Award — To Richard Hayes Phillips, the wild-eyed New York geomorphologist hired by the Ohio Honest Elections Campaign. Phillips was the group’s expert witness in a lawsuit it filed against Blackwell, accusing the secretary of state of helping President Bush steal the 2004 election in Ohio. Phillips has a Ph.D. in ?karst geomorphology,? the study of landforms and drainage. He spent innumerable hours — all uncompensated — angering local elections board officials as he scrutinized ballots to determine why an Ohio voter would have voted for Bush and against Issue 1, the gay-marriage amendment. When he?s not accusing public officials of rigging elections, Phillips is ?a lyric poet and wandering minstrel” who plays guitar, mandolin, kalimba and harmonica at venues throughout upstate New York.
The Karl Marx Down With Capitalist Pigs Award — To Judy Hanna, an associate lecturer in humanities and history at the University of Akron who lost an Ohio Senate race to incumbent Republican Sen. Kevin Coughlin. In 2005, Hanna authored an unintelligible essay for Democracy Week in which she claimed, among other things, that ?corporate greed and blatant capitalism (are) running us all amuck.? If this essay is an indication of the quality of Hanna?s writing, Ohio voters have deprived themselves of some memorable floor speeches.
The If I Don?t Come Out With My Hands Up, I?m Coming In After Me Gibberish Award — To Bob Fitrakis, aka ?Fraudbuster Bob,? the Green Party candidate who captured 1 percent of the vote in the governor?s race. Fitrakis repeatedly accused Blackwell of engaging in election fraud, referring to the secretary of state as J. Katrina Blackwell — an off-the-wall and not very clever play on Blackwell’s formal name, J. Kenneth Blackwell.
The Terrell Owens Good Sporstmanship Award — To Matt Naugle, amateur videographer and angry young man who served as the Blackwell campaign?s blogger. Pointing a golf club at the camera and saying he had a gift for Gov. Bob Taft, Attorney General Jim Petro and Taft?s chief of staff, Jon Allison, Naugle took a mighty swing and blasted a Taft bobblehead to smithereens. Alas, the video, which had been posted on YouTube, is no longer available.
The Jackass: The Movie Watch This! Award — To Rep. Geoff Smith, who humiliated himself, his parents and the entire House Republican caucus during his bizarre and inarticulate 30-minute farewell monologue. The low point, which came during the 19th minute of his rambling address, was an adolescent sex joke Smith told about fellow Columbus Rep. Larry Flowers and his wife. Smith was defeated last month by Columbus businessman Ted Celeste, the brother of former Gov. Dick Celeste. This video is required viewing for anyone looking for a primer on how to commit political suicide.
— Ted Wendling, firstname.lastname@example.org
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